Falling in love with Ugly. Freely.

Thoughts on Cults, Liturgy, and the Silent Treatment

During a recent extended illness, I didn’t have much energy to write or study, but I did have time to listen to podcasts. The guiltless freedom to explore topics that aren’t directly related to my life and work was a rare and real pleasure. Though I wouldn’t choose to endure sickness again for the opportunity, I don’t regret anything.

One hole I tumbled down was listening to non-Catholics speak on matters of faith and church corruption, which encouraged me to walk through some tender areas of my own faith from a new angle. While exploring the devastation caused by disordered (and wicked) spiritual leadership, one former Mormon podcaster discussed the attributes of cults. It was his conclusion that Mormonism is cultish and he walked through the general criteria, adding his own opinions liberally.

Though I’ve never, even in times of doubt, thought of Catholicism as a cult, I was reassured by the discussion that the Catholic Church is not at all a cult. Catholics have freedom to dissent, to walk away, to challenge, to skip Mass at will, and to be colorful and odd within the whole. However, I do see that some communities and organizations within the Church are subject to poor leadership and can become cult-like, which is not exclusive to Catholicity, but is found anywhere sinful people gather in community. We see in our messy institutional history that wherever there is a position of power available (even if previously occupied by a saint), weak and evil people will eventually worm their way in to it. A dream job for every malformed person, but without a private plane (unless you’re McCarrick and then it’s included). Fallen humanity is predictably horrid regardless of religious affiliation.

Before anyone accuses me of toe-dipping into deconstruction, let me assure you…

My faith has been rudely tested over the past several years and I have taken some heavy burdens of doubt all the way to the bottom of a dark, scary pit of reality. If I ever find space to write another book, it may well be related to that time and what came of it. Such a work would certainly be about healing from the heart of Jesus Christ, finding the Church as truly instituted by Him, and shrugging off—no, openly opposing—what is not Church but only posturing as Church.

I have not left. Astonishingly, I have actually fallen in love more deeply than I ever was, even during the rose-hued days of new conversion. I begged God for this miracle. He has done it. Blessed be God.

As an aside… Steve Skojec recently said that he begged God for a similar restoration but that it never came. Hasn’t come. Wait a little longer, Steve. It’s not over yet and it might take a while, but don’t stop asking. Look neither to the right nor to the left, just to Christ Himself. It’s not a matter of finding Him or of Him finding you. He is not behind a closed door but is an ocean surrounding you. Prayer is not grasping for an invisible locked-away God, but learning to open the eyes of the heart and see the ocean.

Anyway…

My faith was tested by the grave scandals of the demonic hydra clinging to the bowels of the institution. It is a many tentacled thing which seems to have reached every rite, every order, every diocese, with its little imposters wearing the robes of Christ while lounging in luxury. They mock, scandalize, and abuse the little ones of God. I clung to the Barque of Peter with a stubborn fierce faith through the hurricane of the progressive left. I was prepared for McCarrick, but is a soul ever really prepared for such things? Fingers trembled but I clung fast.

What I was not at all prepared for— what stomped my desperate fingers and sent me spiraling off into the sea—were the betrayals of the right. More like a kick to the chest. To the very heart.

I saw the veneered Catholic castles, with floating incense, cassocks, right teaching, and all the things which consoled me that there was goodness left in the Church, and I set my hope there. In people. In circumstances. In familiarity. In externals. In ego. In something other than Christ. Because of that…

My strength gave out. Almost.

I’ve been close to walking out of leftist liturgies a number of times in my life, but I’ve only ever walked angrily out of one Mass without the excuse of having a baby to bounce… and it was a TLM. Judge not. A broken heart bursts when it will.

When, by the great mercy of God, I was finally tossed onto the security of a warm beach like a sad little Jonah, I discovered that I had indeed been building my hope in something other than God, and I began the long interior walk back home. He never left me. Never left the Church. The impossibility of describing that journey is a maddening glitch in my keyboard. There is no arrangement of words which can describe the pain and the gratitude and the joy in rediscovering Christ.

But there are some things I can feebly say. With trembling fingers I have tried here and there, knowing with more certainty than ever that I am one of the imposters, too. It is all by degree, isn’t it? Our beautiful, terrible, mysterious mess of a Church.

I am willing to pick at the seeping institutional scabs if it means healing in the Church, but I never want to do that in a way which causes anyone to lose hope or to fall into a place of doubt from which they can’t recover. If you can come with me in these discussions, I’ll do my best to proceed with the Holy Spirit. If you can’t right now, it’s okay. Just be kind.

Anyway… the Church isn’t a cult, but sometimes her members, in their hubris and brokenness, set up little kingdoms for themselves and call their edifices “church.” Some lose sight of Christ and abuse. Others never knew Him. Great freedom has come through knowing that I don’t have to preserve a pristine image of a Church whose members will perpetually disappoint. My efforts are geared toward throwing off the staggering burden of what isn’t of Him so that I am free to surrender myself into His arms. Because He is trustworthy.

I’m sorry Lord for the times that I have put your name on things that aren’t of You. Please show me the beauty of Your Church. Align my heart to Yours. Give me an affection for your will and a spirit of generosity and compassion for every face which carries Your likeness. Thank You for loving me in my incompetence, weakness, and infidelity. I love You.

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Liturgy Wars…

I managed for years to stay out of the quagmire of the internet liturgy wars. The experience reminds me of playing Candyland with my youngest just a couple years ago. For some reason, our games didn’t usually end organically. The last one we played went on for over an hour before I got sent (for the 19th time) to Molasses Swamp and almost flipped the board. The boy won the game because I slipped winning cards into the deck. Pre-schoolers are distractible and I was desperate.

Internet discussions are often like that. Rarely does anyone make real progress. There is backward and forward movement (giving the impression of change) but nobody is actually winning. Temptation to cheat increases. How do you cheat in liturgy wars? Easy. You call names and sling accusations until someone is either too wounded and angry to continue or you get blocked. It’s the internet version of flipping the board. (Maybe Monopoly is a better comparison). Everyone goes back to what they were doing before, but a little more jaded. Or…

They break down in a puddle of tears at 3am because it’s just a slow painful death and “FINE. YOU WIN. JUST LET IT STOP.” (Definitely Monopoly.)

At any rate, it’s not useful to ignore the topic any longer and I’m too far progressed in life (aka old-ish) to be afraid of it. As Rome continues to phase out the old rite, Catholics are forced to make hard choices. Since we all want our choices to be the right ones, we perceive there to be an increase in people who are wrong. Right? And wrong means bad and bad means sin and sin means hell… and suddenly we’ve got believers slinging not just mud, but knives aimed at the very soul. The division among the faithful is escalating and many believe that the Holy Spirit has departed from the Church.

To be clear, I don’t believe that.

I’ve read (and am living) Church history, and it’s ugly. I mean it is U.G.L.Y. But in this moment, I find consolation in turning off the internet, in prayer, sacrament, in Scripture, and recently, a consoling word from the inimitable Frank Sheed, who said:

“Anyone who finds the Church on earth so imperfect as to be no longer tolerable should ask himself solidly, somberly, “How is a perfect society to be built up of people like me?” If he sees no difficulty in that then either he is a person of unique perfection, or he does not know himself very well.. What we think of as the average decent Christian (you perhaps? me perhaps?) cannot be half-witted enough to think of himself as ideal building material for a perfect social order. And Jesus did not, very definitely did not, build his Church of average decent Christians… Among the early Christians almost every fault people complain of in the Church of history and the Church of now was already in full bloom.”

With that in mind, I share below a wonderful video clip of an interview between Matt Fradd and Scott Hahn. Every bit of the 9-minute clip about the Mass is life-giving. I’m grateful to Dr. Hahn for articulating so well what countless Catholics struggle to express in this time of confusion and rising bitterness. We love the Church. We love the Mass. "Every Mass is heaven on earth."

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Healing the family…

I know I harp on this but healing the Church necessarily means healing families. The family is the nucleus of society and church, where people learn what it means to love, to be loved, and how to be in relationship with God and with others in the world.

Though prayer is an indispensable element of healthy change, we also need a heaping dose of common sense and good mentoring. So…

While I’ve got my own issues to work on, I have learned a few practical things through the decades about how to better communicate love. I’ll start with just one:

STOP GIVING YOUR SPOUSE AND CHILDREN THE “SILENT TREATMENT.”

Giving people you love the silent treatment is a way of canceling them. Periods of tension do happen, but do not ignore or punish. That is a toxic way of coping and married couples should root it out. It is often learning in childhood but easily enough changed.

Dear young couples,
change this behavior now and you’ll be happier in life and love.

Seasoned couples,
it’s not too late to change.

We all need space to think and count to ten from time to time. We may not have anything to say, know what to say, or may need to hold our tongues to avoid saying what we ought not. However, that is not the same as a period of punishing silence. The “silent treatment” is a punishment intended to wound, isolate, and diminish.

Children often do this to each other in peer groups. I recall many instances in which school friends managed me in this way, for hours, days, weeks.

Isolation sends a strong message:

• “You are not worth seeing.”
• “You are intolerable.”
• “You are so horrible that I cannot bring myself to speak to you.”
• “If you don’t do what I want, you will become invisible.”

Many of us learned the behavior from our peers or parents and brought it into our marriages and parenting. We didn’t mean to, but now it’s time to root it out for good. Though most people are not clinical narcissists, we do all have selfish tendencies which, if left unchecked, can become habitual and deeply harmful. Attention to virtue out of love for Christ and others is the key to healthy relationships. Once our eyes are opened to ways that we have failed to love others, we can begin to change.

Some of you reading this are in painful relationships and it isn’t clear how to love well… yet we can all begin to begin again…

We can start by making sure our loved ones know that they are seen, known, cherished, and understanding that we are seen, known, cherished by the Father. Even when they fail us, they should be treated with dignity. We also should be treated with such care.

We can’t control the way others behave toward us, but we can do three things:

• Understand the harm that we may have inflicted on others and which may been inflicted on us (repent and forgive and heal)

• Change harmful behavior and relationship habits and begin again.

• Interfere with disordered generational/cultural patterns so that our families might live more fully in the freedom of Jesus Christ.

I pray that each of you may always know that you are seen, known, and loved… and may that consolation be yours forever. ♥️

Until next time…

Melody

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