Dating Advice for Catholic Women (and how to avoid a predator)

If you're a parent of girls, please read.

I wrote this with my daughters and nieces in mind. Perhaps it can be useful to you.

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I have written this article 16 different ways trying to soften the language and avoid giving offense to anyone. The trouble is that my conscience won't allow the softening. With the sex abuse scandals exploding in every industry, sport, religion, and educational institution, it is clear that we don't have time or good reason to spare feelings over safety. Those examples don't even include the endless experiences that we have personally had in our communities and homes.

Predatory evil has become systemic. We have been culturally conditioned—publicly groomed actually —to accept certain abusive behaviors as normal. 

We feel a false sense of security because we have aggressively rooted out the most egregious offenders, put them on registries, and taken away their positions of authority, but we ignore the elephant in our own living room. We have been silent. We have been complicit. And yes, we have been trained and groomed by evil people whom we allow access to our minds and families.

I have put together a short list of qualities in men (or anyone) that are red flags for someone discerning a relationship. Primarily for Catholic girls and women but mostly applicable to people of any faith and sex. If you want to jump right to the list, scroll down. If you want to understand the problem a little better and how you can better serve your daughters (or yourself), stick with me for two minutes. 

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COLLECTIVE GROOMING

I rarely watch current TV programs, but during one extended illness, I fell into a YouTube vortex of popular shows. Nothing too crazy. I don't know if it's just because I'd been away from regular watching for so long but I was struck hard by one thing:

In every show, there were distinct, bold, and frequent patterns of grooming and predatory behavior. There was no coverup. No shame. No outcry. 

Though men and women have always enjoyed the thrill of the chase and old TV shows are sprinkled heavily with such themes, I found the aggressiveness and crassness of the newer shows to be alarming and constant; acclimating us through clever scripting to a system that breeds abuse. It's the same culture I met so strongly in grade school and high school—having to daily share close space with guys who were openly and aggressively predatory—and in so many other places. 

Pushing boundaries.
Fast sexual engagement.
Sexualizing of children.
Expectation of girls to be promiscuous.
Expectation of boys to push past boundaries.
Normalizing of multiple experiences and partners.
Desensitizing to infidelity, deviancy, porn.
Encouraging early contraception.

My hope for this article is to sharpen our Catholic axes so that we are better prepared to fight this battle and to help those specifically whose souls, minds, and bodies fall under our care.  I am concerned for both males and females but my gifts are more suited to helping other women—and my only personal experience—and so my focus will be on helping protect our Catholic teen and young adult daughters from false and predatory men.

We don't have to be powerless. The easiest way to become a victim of evil is to give our consent and an open door. So let's help each other to retain right-ordered power within circumstances. Some of our sisters and daughters (brothers and sons) will need our help to climb out of the trap of attraction, manipulation and possibly shame. Let's do this. Let's be strong in mercy, love, and willingness to go a little Joan-of-Arc on the enemy.

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SURELY YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY 'PREDATORY’?

Actually, yes. Yes, I do. When I say predatory, I am referring to those whose ultimate aim is not the eternal well-being of the girl (or boy), but the satisfaction of their ego and sexual urges. That is not necessarily a criminal action but it absolutely makes them a hunter/user of girls and women and unsafe. Whether it is a behavior that is studied and deliberate or simply learned by being a part of a hedonistic culture is irrelevant to the safety of the young woman involved. It’s still predatory. 

There's a difference between a man struggling with virtue and a man who is a predatory and we should acknowledge that. But it is also true that an habitual lack of virtue is the path to all evil actions. So... 

Some of you will still get hung up on the term "predatory." I stand by it. We see where silence gets us. It gives us a broken bleeding wound delivered by evil that is permitted to flourish. 

Back to the bad guys who want to date our daughters...

Some of these guys are impatient, boorish, and angry; some of them are poetic, gentle and willing to play the game and wait. Some even profess a love of Christ. Regardless of the differences, both have the same end goal which is satisfaction of their own ego and physical desires. Both engage in a form of grooming.

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DEAR MOMS OF BOYS…

Because this topic always seems to get some "boy mom" defenses up, I have to give the standard disclaimer: 

I am a mom of 4 boys. I married a man. I have male friends and beloved male family members. I know many good (male) priests. This post is not male-bashing. I don't hate men. I don’t think men are the only ones at fault. This is wholly and simply a practical and instructive resource for single women and those who love them.

It's also a resource for teenage girls not yet ready for marriage who are uniquely vulnerable to false and bad men... and possibly a self-check for good men who don't want to be that guy. 

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DEAR MOMS OF GIRLS...

Our girls haven't lived in our shoes, haven't learned our lessons, and haven't undergone our conversions. We cannot assume that they are equipped to weather the storms we are accustomed to withstanding. We cannot assume that when they nod their heads in agreement with our maternal rants that they actually have a deep grasp of the truth or an unwavering relationship with Jesus Christ. 

We have to be willing to go to the mat for them; to make ourselves a righteous nuisance about technology, defensive protocols, and constant instruction in the art of navigating the human condition. 

I'm not going to sugarcoat this. Some of you think your girl is okay... and she's not. 

God didn't allow me to wade through the sewage in my own life only to stay silent and watch other hearts, minds, and bodies assaulted by wickedness. Evil hardly ever comes looking like a monster, but usually presents itself as the deepest desires of the heart. Evil slips through the cracks through our weaknesses and our pride. It finds our sorrows and our loneliness. It listens to our doubts and becomes the consolation and affirmation that we deeply desire. We have to be prepared. 

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CATHOLIC GIRLS ARE PARTICULARLY VULNERABLE

Young women from good homes who are pursuing virtue are particularly vulnerable to the snake in the grass because they are more trusting. They are surrounded early in life by people pursuing virtue. Consequently, they more quickly believe the lies from the forked tongue of a compassionate admirer. The answer isn't to expose them to more and earlier wickedness but to better prepare them with the truth before, during, and after they hear the lies packaged in sugar:

I love you.
I want you to be happy.
I can make you happy.
Your parents don't understand you.
I'm Catholic.
I go to church at St. fill-in-the-blank.
God told me we are meant to be together.
I will take care of you. 
You're beautiful.

Some of your daughters will fall. If they do, you will strap on your armor of maternal justice and mercy, and you can use this list to help them climb out of the hole of sorrow and to expose lies and restore the order of truth.

I must add that this list holds true for any person in a position of authority over our children including teachers and priests. If even one of these things is true, a relationship of vulnerability and trust should not be pursued. Safeguards should be in place. No spiritual direction or personal mentorship. No outings. No private phone calls. No car rides. It should go without saying that private meetings (closed off from others) with an adult male even without these markers are generally imprudent. 

Please note that not all of these indicate that a boy or man is bad beyond recovery or that he only has evil intentions, but the presence of even one of these factors increases risk significantly. Even one of these is sufficient to decline a single date, an exclusive relationship, and certainly marriage discernment. You don't even have to have a reason if your gut tells you "no."

Some of us fell hard to predators as young women and didn't have the support that we needed. Here's what I want girls and women to know... 

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A Catholic Girl's Guide to Detecting a Predator

Give your guy 1 point for each of the 14 risk factors.

Scroll down for an explanation of each warning sign. Again, a man struggling with virtue is not necessarily the same as a predatory man, but he can be... and that is why this is a list of risk factors and not definitive statements. 

1. He is not a Christian.

2. He is not a Catholic.

3. He is a bad Catholic.

4. He is a liar.

5. He is secretive.

6. He isolates you.

7. He lives in your phone.

8. He is vulgar.

9. He is mean.

10. He pressures you to abandon your morals.

11. He is fast.

12. He is immersed in foul music and media (or porn).

13. He doesn't want to talk to your dad.

14. He is controlling.

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1. HE IS NOT A CHRISTIAN

He may be a "nice" guy or a "decent" guy. He may claim to be a moral person and pursue natural virtues, but if he does not submit his heart and actions to Christ there is no standard for him to follow when he feels like straying. 

"He who is not with me is against me, and he who does not gather with me scatters." - Matthew 12:30

Aside from his own comfort and passions, a man who does not follow Christ has no guide. He has no reason to be honest when it will cost him. No reason to remain chaste. No reason to forego worldly pleasures. 

Why should he tell you the truth about anything?
Why should he wait for marriage?
Why shouldn't he use you?

Every man can eventually choose to follow Christ, but if he wants to date you and does not currently adhere to a Christ-centered worldview, he will have only his own sensibilities as a guide. 

You cannot save him. Only Christ can save him. Perhaps he will be ready someday to discern a relationship with you... but not yet. This does not necessarily make a man a predator, but it is a significant risk since he does not yet know how to love as he was made to love. He does not yet know that love is an act of service with an aim of heaven and not just a way to gratify ego and urges.

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2. HE IS NOT A CATHOLIC

What if he's a follower of Christ but not a Catholic? I deeply love my non-Catholic brothers and sisters and have found them to be some of the greatest examples of Christian love I have ever seen. They've also been an incredible support for learning how to navigate the cesspool of secular culture. 

However, because there is no one governing body or thought in Protestantism, it cannot be said that all non-Catholic Christians have the same beliefs and behaviors. 

This does not necessarily make a man a predator, but is a risk since he may reject some boundaries set in place by Catholic moral teaching. If he accepts sexual deviancy of one kind, then he may also be less resistant theologically and practically to things like porn, premarital, and extramarital sex. This is a struggle among Catholic men and women who already have clear and permanent boundaries. How much more so if those boundaries are movable?

This post is primarily for Catholic women who want to be safe, loved, and want to remain Catholic. If that's what you want, then you will have to fight hard for it and make uncomfortable, unpopular decision... because most of the world is going to think you're nuts. 

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3. HE IS A BAD CATHOLIC

This is probably the most dangerous dating category for a young woman who wishes to remain Catholic. Once a predatory man finds out that she is a committed Catholic, he will know exactly what to say to gain her confidence. He knows the externals and how to appear pious. He will go to Mass with her and talk about his Catholic school upbringing. They will have deep conversations about matters of faith and he will listen attentively while she expounds on moral and theological matters. He may even go through RCIA if he was never confirmed.

These bad men are liars because they don’t believe and they don’t want to believe. He's already been a Catholic and rejected it and Christ. He's been living in a state of mortal sin (and is fine with that). And he thinks he's got a sure bet with his innocent Catholic victim. It’s a selfish game.

Some of these men find themselves employed by the Church in various ways even after losing their faith. It is important to pay attention to other behaviors listed in this article and not simply trust the label “Catholic” when discerning relationship.

“Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will know them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thorns, or figs from thistles? So, every sound tree bears good fruit, but the bad tree bears evil fruit. - Matthew 7:15-17

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4. HE IS A LIAR

If a man has a habit of lying, walk away. If he encourages you to lie in order to be with him, run. If he will lie to your parents or his, he will lie to you. This is not the man for you.

"Jesus answered, 'I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.'" - John 14:6

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5. HE IS SECRETIVE

There is no place for secrets in a healthy relationship. If you have to sneak to meet him, he's not the one. A good man will not make you jump through hoops so that he can hide in the dark. A good man will walk up to your front door and converse with your dad. 

If your relationship has developed entirely (or almost entirely) on the internet for the purpose of staying hidden and in isolation from your family, it is a bad relationship and you should end it. 

A good man who loves you will want to know your family and introduce you to his. He will want to become a part of your life not hide away in a dark corner with you.

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6. HE ISOLATES YOU

One of the hallmark actions of narcissists and predators is to isolate a woman from her support system and family. If he is constantly checking on you, jealous of your family and friends, demanding of your time, causing division in previously healthy relationships, and punishing you emotionally for claiming healthy space? All reasons to pause.

A good man will want to know the rules of your family and abide by them. He will not put you in situations in which you are vulnerable or separated from your community. If you find this to be the case, you may very well be dealing with a predatory person. Or at least someone who is self-absorbed and not good relationship material.

You may be smitten and want to spend every waking minute with him, which is why it’s important to keep perspective and stay connected to those in your life who know and love you. If your senses are a little dulled by attachment (it happens to the best of us), they may see things you might not be able to see.

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7. HE LIVES IN YOUR PHONE

Technology is a wonderful and terrible thing. In the case of relationships, it is sometimes absolutely devastating. The existence of texting, messaging via many social media platforms, and other virtual hangouts means that you have unrestricted access to each other at any time of the day or night. In bed, at school, in the bathroom, at work, at church, on family outings... 

That. is. not. healthy.

To be fair, we are a society of technology addicts and many otherwise healthy people spend far too much time on devices. Relationship development is completely different than it was even 15 years ago and I acknowledge that imprudence is not the same as predation. I also know that adults can have long distance relationships which necessitate frequent use of devices. However, predatory behavior often includes isolating via technology. 

There is no accountability, no protection, no loved one observing visitors or phone calls in a healthy way. There is no way to ignore a communication, no way to be unobserved or to take time to yourself... UNLESS it is a healthy relationship where boundaries are observed and appreciated.

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8. HE IS VULGAR

If your guy's mouth is dirty and you would be ashamed to have him overheard by your grandmother, father, or parish priest, then you've got a problem. This may just be a problem of his upbringing (in that he never learned how to be a gentleman) but it is no less concerning. A man should be conscious of the dignity of a woman and take care to be polite and refrain from crude talk. If he is constantly dropping F-bombs and using explicit language, he is not yet a trustworthy man but a vulgar boy.

If you adopt vulgar or coarse speech as a result of hanging around him, then you are being false in order to gain attention and affirmation. It is not love. It doesn't attract true love. It does not build up, heal, bless, or make beautiful.

Maybe this is a habit you fell into yourself before you met him. It’s worth considering that your behaviors will attract or repel particular kinds of men. If you want to find a truly good man, then become the kind of woman who will attract goodness.

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9. HE IS MEAN

If he reacts angrily or unkindly to your efforts to maintain connection with what is good and true in your life, swears at you, regularly insults you, punishes you, easily erupts into angry outbursts, or ever physically hurts or dominates you, end the relationship. You are headed for a life of sorrow. 

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10. HE PRESSURES YOU TO ABANDON YOUR MORALS

He may be supportive at first but many predators will chip away at the foundation of your beliefs after gaining your trust. He might do this by asking innocent sounding questions about moral issues and then increase negativity once finding gaps in your knowledge or faith. He will press into your doubt and use your affection to his advantage. 

A predatory person is often excited to learn that you are a religious-minded girl because it makes the catch that much more exhilarating. If he knows that you desire purity or if you are a virgin, he’s just entered the most thrilling game ever. 

He’s willing to wait a long time for you if he thinks he can ultimately "win." Studies of criminal sexual predators show that some of them will groom a victim for years. In relationships where a man isn't criminal but simply lacks virtue, he may also be willing to wait a long time for you if he is enjoying the ego-affirming chase. 

If your guy is pressuring you to abandon your morals and isn't Christian or Catholic, see points #1 and #2. If he claims to be a Catholic, see #3. If you are certain that he is a practicing Catholic and he regularly pressures you to abandon your moral compass, especially in matters of sexuality... see #4. Run from them all. They don't love you. 

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11. HE IS FAST

You've only known him for a few weeks and he already says "I love you” and talking marriage. You've just had a first date and he gives you a full body hug (pressing thighs, hips, abdomen, chest, and shoulders together). He is quick to hold your hand, quick to kiss you, quick to talk about the future, quick to access intimate details of your life and emotions. Quick to demand the majority of your time.

This is not proof positive of a bad man, especially since most young men simply suffer from terrible formation or a tendency toward imprudence. Women also do. But just know...

Healthy discernment is not generally that fast, and predators are willing to wait a long time, but will also go as quickly as they are allowed to go. Pushing physical and emotional boundaries early is often a way of grooming for rapid physical intimacy. It shows them how far they can go without resistance, creates a bond of attachment which benefits them, and it shows you one of three things 1) Guy hasn't been taught boundaries and respectful behavior to women, 2) He lacks self-discipline and maturity, or 3) He doesn't care.

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12. HE IS IMMERSED IN FOUL MUSIC AND MEDIA (OR VIEWS PORN)

When he gets in the car, he turns on music that would make your grandma blush. He regularly views television, social media, and movies which depict sexually explicit content. He views pornography. 

Many practicing Catholics also do these things and it can get very confusing. Some Catholic men and women defend porn in movies and explicit music lyrics. I do not agree with them but I understand that it can be a difficult point of navigation to reject what we’ve been conditioned from childhood to accept.

My point here is to say that if someone has become desensitized to material which degrades, disrespects, distorts, and hates the truth and beauty of God-given sexuality, that's a red flag. You are made in the image of God to love and be loved. You are not an object. You deserve better. 

As for pornography... someone who currently and regularly uses porn is not a safe person for a young woman. The science on this confirms what the Church already teaches, that porn destroys the mind, reverence for other, healthy boundaries, sexual function, and marriages.

Is it hard to find a man who isn’t regularly using porn? Yes, this seems to be true. I don’t have the answer to that difficulty. I can only encourage women to discern seriously and not to pursue a man who isn’t actively seeking total healing. And I encourage every man to put great and focused energy toward becoming free.

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13. HE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOUR DAD

This is an excellent gauge of a man's integrity and strength of character. 

Not everyone likes, admires, or gets along with their dad but, if your dad is still in your life and isn't a criminal, then a man who wants to date you should be ready and willing to come face to face with him and express his interest in you. 

This practice has almost entirely fallen away in our culture but it is worth restoring even if only as a general barometer of character. Ideally, a guy should reach out to your dad first but most have never been presented with such an idea. You may have to bring it up. And then know....

A guy who is nervous to talk to your dad is completely normal, but a guy who refuses to talk to your dad is likely a man of secrets, lies, poor character, and a hidden agenda.

Some predators can even fool dad and Eddie Haskell their way through a meeting. I maintain that if your guy is happy to meet with your dad (even if he's nervous), discuss expectations, accountability, intentions, etc, and shake his hand... then your odds of happiness are greatly increased. 

If he doesn't want to meet your parents, something is wrong. His objective is to keep you away from your safety net and the people who can protect you. Run. Run. Run. 

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14. HE IS CONTROLLING

A man who uses his natural strength and authority responsibly is a great blessing to his family and the world. Ideally, such a man carries it with humility under God, and his leadership is rooted in obedience to goodness, not desire for control over the people around him. This is a nuanced topic and I don’t want to mislead anyone into thinking that strong, confident men are bad (they are not), so I’ll just summarize this point by way of giving examples of behaviors that are not appropriate in a dating relationship:

• Expects you to fulfill duties that would properly belong to a wife.

• Demands obedience. This is not appropriate even in the most strictly “traditional” communities since, even then, the woman is considered to be under the authority of her father until a wedding ring is in place. A demand for obedience strips a woman of her freedom to properly discern the relationship.

• Wants to manage or merge finances. You’re not married yet. Don’t do it.

• Expects you to move away from your family to be close to him. This puts a woman in a physically vulnerable position, separating her from her support system and often causing financial burden and increased dependency on the man. It is a tactic frequently used by traffickers to gain control over a victim. At the very least, it is imprudent.

• “If you love me, you will…” do something which violates your conscience or common sense.

True discernment requires freedom. Though strong attachments are generally formed in a serious dating relationship, behaviors which prevent you from having the ability to make autonomous healthy decisions regarding your future are a huge red flag.

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Now... add up the points. 

I can't tell you exactly what to do with them because this isn’t a fool proof formula for discernment. I only offer you food for thought and conversation.

If you have one point, you need to figure out if it really is a concern or not (unless it's a non-negotiable related to physical or emotional safety). If you have multiple, I recommend bringing the information to someone you trust with your very life (not the guy) and prayerfully considering the potential concerns. 

Many of these points boil down to simple virtue or an absence of formation in virtue in our homes and culture. Boundaries are disappearing. Cultural Christianity is waning. And you will upset some people by following a wholesome path. You may be called prude, uptight, a religious nut, or worse. That is simply the path of the Christian.

What does healthy relationship look like? That’s a big topic that starts with an understanding of what it means to be a healthy integrated person. I can’t write all that in one article or even one lifetime. But for today, we can begin by helping girls to know their own dignity and discern better.

Break the silence. Restore the culture. Protect each other. 

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On a related note…

I continue to hear stories of men who come out of seminaries with broken hearts and shattered faith. Seminary discernment is not dissimilar from discerning marriage. In order for our sons to answer the call to priesthood, they must become warriors before they ever approach a seminary door, or they may become casualties against an enemy that does not love, does not believe, does not care.

How can we prepare our sons to answer the call BEFORE they get to seminary? Here are some thoughts:

What Catholic Parents Need to Know Before a Son Enters Seminary

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