Here’s what I’d add to the list, according to my own experience:
I would add two examples to point nr. 9 (He is mean):
1. He is a bully. For example, he makes fun of the way someone looks or looks down on non-Catholics as if he became catholic because *he* is better than others.
2. He doesn’t like women. For example, he isn’t gentleman-like or cordial with other women, even with those in his family, and generally speaks badly of women as a whole (though to his victim he says she is an exception, except when he is mad at her).
Another point: he likes the fact that the man is the head of the household *way* too much. I’ve seen man making jokes about man’s superiority with way too much enthusiasm to the point of making their fiancées look uncomfortable. This is a sign that they will use their authority in the most perverted and vile ways at least as soon as the marriage begins.
Great list! Personally encountered several of these while I was dating.
2. Not a Catholic - yes, this is a big one. So many Protestant denominations have a very skewed vision of male-female relationships and women generally. (Some Catholics do too, but at least they’re not actually adhering to the Catholic faith when they hold those views!)
3. I dated a guy who was culturally Catholic once. He kept trying to say “You should remember that I’m Catholic you know” as if this was a point in his favour. My response was “No, *you* should remember that you’re Catholic” 😂
I appreciate this article as a Protestant young man. I agree that many Christians (Catholics included) have compromised purity for personal gain and seek to justify it. I’m not saying I’m not a normal man who struggles and fights his flesh everyday, but I am seeing victory in many areas in my life because I realize God is completing His work in me. I know I can trust Him. I think that is what these issues mainly come down to (FOR ACTUAL CHRISTIAN MEN), a lack of trust in the Creator of everything.
I certainly can look back on previous relationships and say, “yep, I would never enter a relationship of I behaved that way again.” It’s just part of growing up. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but Jesus allows you to place your problems on to what He did on the cross. I think all men especially in this day and age have to be ready to be hated for what they hold to. Modesty, waiting till marriage, prayerful discernment before even daring to ask a woman on a date, admitting you fail God everyday and seek for His approval in all things, along with an even more in-depth list I could go into but for the sake of time I won’t.
I encourage all women to realize what they are doing matters. It matters when you choose to rebel against your dad. It matters when you tell yourself, “it’s just a comfy shirt.” It matters when you tell yourself “that celebrity crush is normal.” Don’t listen to your miserable friends that hate men. Listen to godly influences that you respect (even if you can’t agree with everything they stand for) and let God have the first and final say on the matter.
As for men, well, I basically already just preached to myself so I strongly encourage the same.
These are good things to keep in mind in helping our children discern and choose a spouse.
I know the author gave the proviso more than once in the article that the advice could apply to either sex, but clearly she has girls in mind particularly as a pressing matter, needing protection from male predators. I take issue with making this a particular need for girls (though to be sure our daughters are in great need of parents' aid in these matters). If we don't think our Catholic sons are just as vulnerable in their search for a good spouse, we are deceived. Physical safety is one thing, and the considerations for boys and girls in this aspect differ in pretty obvious ways. But spiritual danger is a great threat for our sons, no less than our girls, when matters of the heart are on the line with the opposite sex. Holy Scripture, particularly in the books of wisdom of the Old Testament, have very stern cautions for young men in relating to the opposite sex. The wisdom there warns young men that their ruin is imminent if they don't exercise caution. We seem to be blind to that wisdom today, and I'm not sure why.
The article is specifically written for girls and women, though some points apply universally. Unfortunately, it is not possible to write all of the things for all of the dating people in one article. That would be a book… or a library.
I agree that there is plenty of consideration to be given to sons (I have 4 boys so I think on it often) but, as stated in the title, the article is indeed primarily directed to girls and women and their particular vulnerabilities. If that disappoints (and you indicate that it does) you could try searching google for your preferred topic. Or… write your own.
I wonder if there will be a similar article that is focused on helping Catholic women choose good men who are right in their midst.
There’s a lot of risk-aversion among some young Catholic women many of whom aren’t open to good and holy relationships aimed at marriage until *after* achieving their educational and career goals.
An article on risk-aversion might be helpful, but it is a different topic altogether. The discussion of risk must necessarily come before risk-aversion, and the conversation that should be had with a 17-year old is going to be different from a 25-year old.
The goal of my post is as a conversation opener, especially within family. It is more urgent as a matter of safety that a woman be safe from predatory man than that a man easily and quickly find a compatible wife. The two are simply not the same. But yes, there are probably hundreds of articles that could be born out of this one topic.
Great, great article! Thank you for sharing.
Here’s what I’d add to the list, according to my own experience:
I would add two examples to point nr. 9 (He is mean):
1. He is a bully. For example, he makes fun of the way someone looks or looks down on non-Catholics as if he became catholic because *he* is better than others.
2. He doesn’t like women. For example, he isn’t gentleman-like or cordial with other women, even with those in his family, and generally speaks badly of women as a whole (though to his victim he says she is an exception, except when he is mad at her).
Another point: he likes the fact that the man is the head of the household *way* too much. I’ve seen man making jokes about man’s superiority with way too much enthusiasm to the point of making their fiancées look uncomfortable. This is a sign that they will use their authority in the most perverted and vile ways at least as soon as the marriage begins.
Great list! Personally encountered several of these while I was dating.
2. Not a Catholic - yes, this is a big one. So many Protestant denominations have a very skewed vision of male-female relationships and women generally. (Some Catholics do too, but at least they’re not actually adhering to the Catholic faith when they hold those views!)
3. I dated a guy who was culturally Catholic once. He kept trying to say “You should remember that I’m Catholic you know” as if this was a point in his favour. My response was “No, *you* should remember that you’re Catholic” 😂
I appreciate this article as a Protestant young man. I agree that many Christians (Catholics included) have compromised purity for personal gain and seek to justify it. I’m not saying I’m not a normal man who struggles and fights his flesh everyday, but I am seeing victory in many areas in my life because I realize God is completing His work in me. I know I can trust Him. I think that is what these issues mainly come down to (FOR ACTUAL CHRISTIAN MEN), a lack of trust in the Creator of everything.
I certainly can look back on previous relationships and say, “yep, I would never enter a relationship of I behaved that way again.” It’s just part of growing up. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but Jesus allows you to place your problems on to what He did on the cross. I think all men especially in this day and age have to be ready to be hated for what they hold to. Modesty, waiting till marriage, prayerful discernment before even daring to ask a woman on a date, admitting you fail God everyday and seek for His approval in all things, along with an even more in-depth list I could go into but for the sake of time I won’t.
I encourage all women to realize what they are doing matters. It matters when you choose to rebel against your dad. It matters when you tell yourself, “it’s just a comfy shirt.” It matters when you tell yourself “that celebrity crush is normal.” Don’t listen to your miserable friends that hate men. Listen to godly influences that you respect (even if you can’t agree with everything they stand for) and let God have the first and final say on the matter.
As for men, well, I basically already just preached to myself so I strongly encourage the same.
I actually wrote something awhile back about predatory priests in particular...
SO glad to see someone else talking about this stuff. It really is so ridiculously important.
https://www.catholicmom.com/articles/recognizing-the-red-flags-of-clerical-abuse
Good advice. Thankyou.
These are good things to keep in mind in helping our children discern and choose a spouse.
I know the author gave the proviso more than once in the article that the advice could apply to either sex, but clearly she has girls in mind particularly as a pressing matter, needing protection from male predators. I take issue with making this a particular need for girls (though to be sure our daughters are in great need of parents' aid in these matters). If we don't think our Catholic sons are just as vulnerable in their search for a good spouse, we are deceived. Physical safety is one thing, and the considerations for boys and girls in this aspect differ in pretty obvious ways. But spiritual danger is a great threat for our sons, no less than our girls, when matters of the heart are on the line with the opposite sex. Holy Scripture, particularly in the books of wisdom of the Old Testament, have very stern cautions for young men in relating to the opposite sex. The wisdom there warns young men that their ruin is imminent if they don't exercise caution. We seem to be blind to that wisdom today, and I'm not sure why.
The article is specifically written for girls and women, though some points apply universally. Unfortunately, it is not possible to write all of the things for all of the dating people in one article. That would be a book… or a library.
I agree that there is plenty of consideration to be given to sons (I have 4 boys so I think on it often) but, as stated in the title, the article is indeed primarily directed to girls and women and their particular vulnerabilities. If that disappoints (and you indicate that it does) you could try searching google for your preferred topic. Or… write your own.
Thanks for your reply. Agreed on your site, your rules.
I wonder if there will be a similar article that is focused on helping Catholic women choose good men who are right in their midst.
There’s a lot of risk-aversion among some young Catholic women many of whom aren’t open to good and holy relationships aimed at marriage until *after* achieving their educational and career goals.
Some good reading here from a secular perspective - https://www.freyaindia.co.uk/p/risk-aversion-is-killing-romance
An article on risk-aversion might be helpful, but it is a different topic altogether. The discussion of risk must necessarily come before risk-aversion, and the conversation that should be had with a 17-year old is going to be different from a 25-year old.
The goal of my post is as a conversation opener, especially within family. It is more urgent as a matter of safety that a woman be safe from predatory man than that a man easily and quickly find a compatible wife. The two are simply not the same. But yes, there are probably hundreds of articles that could be born out of this one topic.
Thanks for the reply. I think the conversation is wide-ranging and I look forward to your future pieces.