The Lie of the Apostolate {Leaving our Children Poor}
"It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us." - Mother Teresa
I wrote these words years ago and periodically revisit, revise, and repent. The examination stings but it is necessary and worth the discomfort.
They said that I should have an apostolate if I wanted my kids to grow in faith. That I should build up the kingdom. Use my skills. Be a leader. Be salt and light to the world. They said that it wasn't enough to serve through the home … that God made me for bigger things.
They were wrong.
My family is my apostolate. My home is my headquarters. My husband is my fundraiser. If God calls me to do some further outreach, it will only be that which does not leave my family unloved, uncared for, or with only the leftovers of who I am.
My apostolic works have often been excuses—distractions— and a means to feeling like a productive Christian while avoiding the harder work. A way of breaking up the boredom of sacrificial work done without devotion.
I would have been a better woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and homeschooler over the last 27 years if I hadn't bought into the idea that I needed to become some kind of minister to the whole world. Some moms have the gift of being high energy. I am not one of them. And I have exhausted myself in so many different directions, convinced that my outreaches and apostolic works were the moral equivalent of what I was doing at home. I was wrong.
I once printed out the words of Pope St. John Paul II when speaking about the poor of the world, to recall them during my daily work. He said:
"You must never be content to leave them just the crumbs of the feast. You must take of your substance, and not just of your abundance, in order to help them. And you must treat them like guests at your family table."
I fancied myself a real winner because I thought I understood his message. Give to those less fortunate and give until it hurts! I knew what it meant to be on the receiving end of Christ-like sacrificial love and I knew the power of the mercy of Jesus and I wanted to be that for others. My problem was that I didn't see the hypocrisy of leaving the crumbs for my own children while I fed strangers.
I didn't see them as guests.
I didn't see them as the poor.
I didn't see them…
Not through the lens of Christ anyway, but through the blurred vision of a self-oriented mom. Oh, how the narcissism of our age seeps into the cracks of our ships! Dishes are done, kids are fed, time to change the world! It is easy to overlook the reality that vocation in the home is fundamentally missionary.
MISSIONARY OF THE HOME
Though I had long admired Mother Teresa, it wasn’t until just before her canonization that I heard her message on the family with real clarity. I realized that in spite of the simplicity of her words, I hadn’t truly understood them. I was too busy patting myself on the back for being apostolic.
I had turned her words into placards with which to console myself that I was doing just fine. Point to Jesus. Love all the people. I thought I’d done it, but I’d actually taken the easy way out. Kind of like buying cheap trinkets at the Dollar Tree to feel good about saving money instead of showing up for work to pay the bills. An apparent good which distracts from the hard work to which we are really called.
It is easy to love the people far away. It is not always easy to love those close to us. It is easier to give a cup of rice to relieve hunger than to relieve the loneliness and pain of someone unloved in our own home. Bring love into your home for this is where our love for each other must start.
— Mother Teresa of Calcutta
It stings. And also exhilarates. Come, Holy Spirit! Fill the heart of your faithful… transform me again.
We are all called to spread the Gospel, but it is a lie to say that spreading the Gospel to my children is not enough. The Church has enough apostolates. What she needs is a revival of sacrificial love and fidelity in the domestic church. Not just a put-'em-in-a-good-school-so-the-experts-can-do-it kind of revival, but real transformation. It has always been that way because real love is not about big numbers, but about one precious soul at a time. When we are obedient he will then bless us with more. Our circle will grow by individual souls … in His time, in His way, for His glory.
The Church has enough apostolates. What she needs is a revival of sacrificial love and fidelity in the domestic church.
He is either trustworthy or He is not. If He is trustworthy, then we are free to enter fully into the work of the diapers and the dishes and trust Him to expand us when it is time. He brings total freedom. It is we who are stingy and fearful of not being enough according to our own vision.
As parents, we are the experts designated by God through vocation and our sacramental graces, and it is our apostolic work to raise our children to know the love of Jesus Christ. If we have been faithful in that mentorship of love, perhaps someday we will see our children go out and give Gospel witness to all the world—and to the souls with whom they have been entrusted. Maybe. Free will is a stinker. But if we love well and not by ego, there is much hope that…
They will carry the fire.
They will witness through their lives.
They will know the love and mercy of God and return when they have strayed.
Others will ask your family the cause of your hope and the reason for your joy…
And that is how true apostolic work begins. Our children and spouses are our “poor” and it is for them first that our hearts should burn with compassion.
We hear the truth over and over again. Go home and love your families. And yet we continue to seek elsewhere, as if our path to holiness can ever be found elsewhere than in loving God and the souls He entrusts to us. It's not an either/or when it comes to loving family and neighbor. It's a both/and. And yet... and yet... one must take priority in the order of love.
We only need fund-raising, event-holding apostolates because our shepherds have wavered, Christians have sold their inheritance, and our families have abdicated their roles as the domestic church. Ecclesia Domestica! It's a truth that stings and I take responsibility for my part. I repent...
If I bless another soul, let it never again be at the expense of the ones with whom I have been entrusted.
I am not saying that we should never engage in any apostolic work outside of our home and families. Many families are doing this work together in a beautiful and life-giving way. But some of us have led neighboring souls into the Church while our own families were starved for love. God will always work where people are seeking Him, but those families can tell you about the lie they bought at the price of their children's hearts. It is a painful lesson to learn. Let it not be said that our families were left starving while we worked for the Church ... or that our families flourished in spite of us.
Our great works become just dusty monuments to our pride if we have sacrificed our children in order to build them.
TO BE USEFUL…
Years ago, I attended a retreat with the Legionaries of Christ. The founder had not yet been outed as an abusive scoundrel and I was drawn into a beautiful vision presented to me in the form of Regnum Christi. I listened to what I now see as a spiritually manipulative pitch about apostolic work—heavily laced with references to the sanctity of the founder—and I fell for it. You’re a leader, they said. And don’t worry … even if you only have an apostolate of prayer, it is enough.
It was stunning and compelling and I was taken in wholly. YES! I am called to do this work. During prayer for discernment, I thought of my handicapped sister and how blessed she would be by a community of such attentive loving people. She would be less lonely and she could have purposeful prayerful work even with severe disability. So…
I prayed about it and approached one of the retreat leaders enthusiastically and in gratitude for what I knew would be a great gift for my family. I was told: No, the handicapped aren’t suitable for this apostolate. This is for leaders. For people who bring in people. For people like you, not her.
I was shocked.
But what about an apostolate of prayer? Why can’t she be a part of this community and have her very life and prayer be her great work? Isn’t that what you talked about? The leader shifted uncomfortably at my questions and then said ...
You don’t understand. Your sister just wouldn’t be useful to the movement.
Whether she accurately represented Regnum Christi or not, it was an important moment for me and I never looked at the word useful the same way again. With the counsel of my husband, I discerned away from the Legion turned my heart back to home. Not long after, I stumbled upon the wisdom of St. Josemaria Escriva:
Don't let your life be sterile. BE USEFUL. Blaze a trail. Shine forth with the light of your faith and of your love. With your apostolic life wipe out the slimy and filthy mark left by the impure sowers of hatred. And light up all the ways of the earth with the fire of Christ that you carry in your heart.
Those words set my heart on fire for the members of my family. I understood that the blossoming of any apostolic life must be rooted deeply in the context of our planting. Looking outward for fulfillment, even in good apostolic work, tends to breed detachment and resentment of the gifts of the hearth, the very building blocks of the Church and all of civilization.
My usefulness to Christ is not dependent upon what I can build but what He can build through my simple fidelity. I may not see the fruits this side of eternity, but He is trustworthy. Though I have engaged in many excellent endeavors outside of the home (or within the home behind a screen) as discernment allows, my ongoing conversion always and emphatically points back to home.
If I were asked for advice about whether a mother or father should start an apostolic work in addition to their labors at home, I would say: Yes, do it if it is God's will. Let it be an extension—an expansion—of the life-giving love present in your family. But don't ever do it in such a way that Mother Teresa has to call you out on the lie. Mea culpa.
Everybody today seems to be in such a terrible rush, anxious for greater developments and greater riches and so on, so that children have very little time for their parents. Parents have very little time for each other, and in the home begins the disruption of peace of the world.
— Mother Teresa of Calcutta
All content on The Wild Return is free to you. If you value what I share, please consider a paid subscription or donation. And feel free to explore a few of my favorite things. Thank you!
Been there done that. Good thing we realized it at the time (the kids were in their pre-teens/teens). It was hard tearing myself away from "doing good work", but once I closed that door, I realized it was the best decision we could have made. We've maintained a close relationship with all of our kids (by God's grace) and so far they're still faithful Catholics and still seek our guidance and company regularly. God bless you for writing this. Some people didn't understand our decision (probably still don't) but no regrets. I kinda shudder to think where we would be now had we not discerned then that we needed to keep our attention and time AT HOME, where it belonged/belongs.
Love this! It’s such an important message and one that truly resonates with me.
Years ago, while raising my family, I was blessed to have a pastor who emphasized exactly what you’re saying here. I remember worrying that I wasn’t fulfilling the works of mercy and he said you are by all the things you do for your family! He was adamant about being careful that any ministry we may be called to not interfere with our family life. He warned that spending too much time in church (like the proverbial Church Lady) wasn’t pleasing to the Lord if it meant we were neglecting our families.
I also had some experience with Regnum Christi. Many of my friends were involved in it and I attended some talks and teas, etc. My oldest daughter, high school age at the time, was active very briefly with some of the consecrated lay women. They were relentless in their efforts to sway her into believing that she, too, was called to live a life like theirs. She started feeling very uncomfortable and stopped going to their meetings.
I, too, felt like I was being recruited to join a very elitist organization and once these women finally got the message that I wasn’t going to formally join RC they dropped me like a hot potato. And these were women I knew from my parish or from our homeschool group who now didn’t care to interact aside from superficial small talk at parish gatherings etc. Aside from not wanting to take the time away from my husband and kids that involvement in RC required, it honestly seemed very cultish to me. Too many red flags.
Thanks, Melody. Great article!