As a native of Northeast Ohio, I understand the deep struggle of a body and soul during the dormancy of February sunshine. Christmas has long passed and the cold and dark days weigh heavily on a people who long for warmth of a new season. My thoughts invariably turn inward and I tend to lose a sense of the sun, of proper direction, of hope.
It is an insomnia season when all the elements converge and conspire against the coveted commodity called sleep... deep sleep. It is a less nourished season that demands both rest and awakening, but often leaves us uncomfortably deficient in both.
It is also a time of reflection. Lenten maybe. But sometimes a little secular gray.
I once met a mom in deep winter who was in that space between Lenten planting and secular depression. She wanted to know if we moms can hope to repair the damage we have done to our own households over the years…
Tell me we can! she begged. Tell me we can go back and reverse what we have done. I whispered a tiny and sad no, and the discomfort of 21 years (now 26) of mothering failures flooded into my mind and stomach.
Deep in that dark night of February gloom, and prompted by her grief, I went down, down into the ugliest thoughts. I let the projector reel of time run in my mind. I cringed, cried, and answered…
No. You can't go back. You can't repair all the damage. The scars will stay—some for a little while and some for a lifetime. The people in our households are formed under our love and also our sin. My children may spend the rest of their lives healing from and forgiving me the consequences of my sins…
My laziness.
My impatience.
My lack of charity.
My selfishness.
For years, I directed much of my motherly frustration against others who hurt my children. Why, Lord, do You allow people to choose evil? To choose sin? To hurt my children? And then the day came when I threw up my hands and yelled:
Why, Lord, have You allowed ME to wound? If families are a blessing, then why do you allow the innocent to suffer under the burden of my inadequacy? If this is the right equation, then I must be the wrong answer.
I couldn't understand in the moment that His perfection only comes in our weakness. In the cloud of my pride, the grace of God was obscured. All that was visible to me was my failure.
The great confidence of my early motherhood faded as I saw my failures mirrored to me in the increasing complex lives of my growing kids. I was shaken and sought roots again by reading the lives of the saints. I was oddly blessed by the weakness of their humanity; seeing their allergies, tempers, theological errors, confusion, conflicts. I saw that I had been placing confidence in the creation (me) instead of the Creator, and I fell into a consolation of humility.
My pride lay stretched out and broken on the living room rug day after day. And you know, if you lay on the floor in the middle of big family life, it’s only a matter of time before you get stepped on or tripped over. A fitting analogy for the state in life really. To love in the middle is to take a risk of both being a stumbling block and of being crushed.
Mary, under her title of Mother of Sorrows, became an ally for the first time. The Cross of motherhood, once a lovely but only marginally relatable mystery, nestled itself (as an arrow) deeply in my heart. My greatest consolation was the abiding love of God, Who made Himself very present to me, even as my broken heart bled out into every area of my life.
Why does He allow this kind of stripping of soul? Perhaps because once we know that we are absolutely nothing without Him, we might finally learn how to pray and truly seek Him. We will not be uprooted. We will not deceived by ego…
We will have hit the very bottom where there is nothing else to do for an authentic soul but to be planted.
“The kingdom of heaven is like a grain of mustard seed that a man took and sowed in his field. It is the smallest of all seeds, but when it has grown it is larger than all the garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and make nests in its branches.” Mt 13:31
There simply is no answer apart from the Cross. Jesus is the Savior and I am not Jesus. In our journey toward sanctity, we eventually must realize that either He will be the answer to the heartache of our homes... or no one will.
I think that is the gift of a dormant February and all of Lent; that we learn the gift of finally being rooted in Christ and Christ alone.
Thanks be to God.
(Adapted from my 2018 contribution to the Choose Hope 52-week devotional)
STAYING REASONABLY WELL IN FEBRUARY
KOMBUCHA. I’m not a kombucha girl since my histamine troubles keep me from it. However, I know many of you enjoy the taste and benefits. If you make your own (or want to start), Farmhouse Teas sells starter kits, ready-to-use scobies, base teas, recipes, and flavorings. They also have a sale going on through Saturday (2/3) with the code KOMBUCHA15. Shop here: Farmhouse Teas
HEALING THE WOUNDS OF DIVORCE. I have not yet listened to this podcast episode because I keep misplacing my earbuds, but it’s ready to roll during my next workout. I’ve heard many times that “kids are resilient,” but this is one of the most harmful catchlines in a self-soothing divorce culture. It is more accurate to say that kids (and adults) learn coping mechanisms… which may or may not prove effective for a happy life. It isn’t resiliency as much as simply a raw need to survive the fracturing of attachment, stability, family, confidence, identity, and the promise of love.
In this episode, Bob and Jake discuss the impact of divorce on individuals and the importance of acknowledging and addressing the wounds, beliefs, and vows that result from divorce. Divorce (Part 1) / Restore the Glory PodcastPROTEIN FOR LENT. One challenge Catholics may face during Lenten fasting is—ironically—weight gain. I touched on this in a recent substack and also in the February email for Pietra Fitness. I’m going to bring it up again before we’re through these 40 days (count on it) but here’s a quick touch…
Eating sacrificially without planning can lead to insufficient protein and more empty calories. Especially in mid-winter, these factors can result in binging, low immune function, sluggish metabolism, or fatigue from nutritional deficiencies.
The purpose of fasting is not to come to harm, but to grow in discipline over our passions and closer in intimacy with God; to shed what is not of Him and rise up joyfully equipped on Easter morning. So…
Eat breakfast and eat it with protein. Without enough protein, the body tends to store fat and break down muscle, leaving us tired, hungry, and prone to overeating. Being fed in the morning means lower cortisol (that’s a good thing) and sufficient nourishment for our duties short and long term.
Exercise Nourished - Research shows that women who workout while fasting have elevated cortisol which stimulates fat storage and diminishes strength. Try a light protein rich snack 30-45 minutes prior to a workout. And hydrate!!
Light Workouts for Fasting Days - Lots of healthy movement. Lighter workouts. Schedule strength training or vigorous workout days when you can better nourish. Fasting does not mean starving. Get your protein in.ASPARAGUS SOUP. I love this soup and also like adding chicken, sausage, or other good sources of protein. One mom suggested adding shrimp for a Lenten meal.
WHAT I’M READING
I’m not giving up social media for Lent but I am disciplining habits, which means more reading real books, longer articles, and less scrolling. Here are some paper books with book marks (or whatever is lying around) already in use…
TRAVEL NURSE. I know Leona through Catholic community on Instagram and know her to be a truth seeker and tenacious freedom fighter. I’m enjoying reading her newly released story of being a travel nurse during the pandemic.
ROAR: How to Match Your Food and Fitness to Your Unique Female Physiology for Optimum Performance, Great Health, and a Strong, Lean Body for Life. As my feminine body moves through peri-menopause, I appreciate solid information on how to navigate all the changes and stay fit for service in vocation. This book is secular (and consequently accepting of feminism and artificial contraception) but the author is committed to honoring the uniqueness of the womanly body and that’s something to be appreciated in this strange times! The target audience seems to be more serious athletes, but the information allows women of any fitness level to learn and to set reasonable and effective goals. Working my way through and appreciating. A lot that’s way more than I need but also a lot that’s accessible.
BAKED TO PERFECTION. A Christmas gift to my daughter with celiac, this gluten free cook book is packed full of recipes and information on GF baking. I find my nose in it frequently.
I’m looking forward to Lent! I used to tiptoe towards it with trepidation, seeing it as a kind of inflammation of seasonal depression. Not only do you feel lousy and worthless, but don’t forget that you actually are kind of vibe. And that isn’t Lent. Not really. Lent is more like the two-a-day practices leading up to competition season in sport. We don’t discipline the body because we hate it, but because it is the flawed but magnificent vehicle by which we are to become saints on the road to glory.
With best effort, there will absolutely be discomfort and second guessing of life choices. We examine our weakness so that we might come close to the Divine Healer and let Him bring us to victory.
God bless you on the journey, friends,
Melody
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So much reflection in this. These words are mulling in my brain and have pierced a question I’ve been wrestling with. Thank you for this.