Liberation, the Crucible of Marriage, and that Canadian Fog

"Mommy, maybe we should just get a huge fan and blow it all back to Canada!"

Independence Day 2020 was a turning point for me. Weak-kneed tyrants had cancelled fireworks and picnics and we were left to marinate in the irony of a government-squashed celebration of… freedom.

We thought it would be dull. Instead, we sat outside in our suburban battlefield while the rockets burst around us in every direction for hours and hours. There wasn’t even a pause, just hours of the rolling expression of something… maybe defiance. Given the evidence of the collective and immediate submission to unlawful authority to some absurdities of quarantine, I don’t really know what it was; certainly incongruent with our collective cowardice.

But it was still beautiful.

A people who had so easily been convinced to cover the faces of babies, abandon the vulnerable, and follow absurd floor arrows to stop a mostly middling virus showed a brief moment of sanity. A little civil disobedience with beer and explosives. A brief interruption in the madness of masked silence from a nation trying to remember what it was like to be alive and a little dangerous.

It wasn’t just in my neighborhood but all over the country. Remember California? Oh, she was stunning. I never get tired of watching that footage.

I stood in the street and cried a little, moved by the experience, while my kids ran around the cars and made believe that they were 18th century American freedom fighters. I promised myself that I wouldn’t ever forget what it was like in that moment and that I would strive to become a person more alive than I had been.

STANDING IN THE RAIN

A few months later I held a hand painted sign (pictured above) in 36 degree temps in the rain at a busy local intersection. The poster board eventually wilted and so I stuck it to a pole and just stood, with nothing to hold, but committed to being present and counted.⁣

Foolish. I felt a little foolish. Also angry, grieving, and convicted. Maybe one little voice doesn’t make a difference and maybe it does. It’s the principle of the thing really—a matter of fidelity—and so I stood.
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I got kind of uncomfortable (shaking uncontrollably actually) and thought of all of the people who were more uncomfortable than I. Their images kept me standing there.⁣ I was privileged, able to go home to my warm house, put on dry clothes, and eat a good meal surrounded by my loved ones (there were ten of us together at the time in our pandemic house) and many hugs and kisses.⁣..
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I had people to console me when I was down or sick, and I was able to move about freely to serve others.⁣
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I thought of a disabled loved one who was locked down, depressed, and alone, and all who couldn’t leave their homes, wheelchairs, or beds at will.⁣ When I accept minimal discomforts on behalf of those who are being oppressed, injured, and pushed into hardship and despair, I feel much shame that I do not do more.⁣

And so I stood.

FOR THE LIBERATION OF THE WORLD…

Around that time, I noticed images of the US Constitution going around online and was shocked to see Catholics taking offense, as if there is something inherently problematic with freedom.⁣ There is... it’s called concupiscence. Yet is only within the scope of such freedom that we are able to serve others with great love. Enslavement means that our hands are bound and we are unable to serve. ⁣

Again I thought of the vulnerable and a nation of cowards, unwilling to break unjust laws in order to care for the sick, the grieving, the dying, the disabled, the elderly, the lonely, the distressed. My thoughts went briefly to that most incredible July 4th and the stunning collective toe dip into a little civil disobedience.
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Our Constitution is great because it has the audacity to affirm the laws of God, but there is no promise of freedom from risk.⁣ It is that willingness to offer everything in service to truth and love which makes us great. When we are no longer willing to die to ourselves for others, we have lost our heritage.
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Ven. Fulton Sheen said this of America:⁣
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“We are destined under Providence to be the secondary cause for the restoration of the freedom and liberation of the peoples of the world. God is the primary cause...⁣
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America is a sanctuary for the oppressed. An arsenal for Democracy. The pantry for the world.”⁣
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He felt this deeply because much of his energy was used on behalf of the missions. He frequently saw the poverty of mind and spirit caused by tyrants and socialist systems, (particularly Communism) and he saw the power of the free to relieve the suffering of the enslaved.⁣
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It is a false hope to believe that we can negotiate with tyranny to secure temporal comforts, and so I pray for the courage to stand in the rain even when the world sees it as foolish. I hope you stand with me. I suspect this is how saints are made.

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THE CRUCIBLE AND LIBERATION OF MARRIAGE

Every year, my husband stands against the backdrop of a fiery Independence Day scene that he oversees. The mortars are lined up and fired. His shape is obscured in the darkness... until there is an explosion.⁣
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His back is to me as he faces the fire. He grows taller. Vulnerable... yet strangely unshakable.⁣ My heart swells with admiration, and gratitude. And I think "That is the way of things. It is the fire which illuminates and strengthens."⁣

A couple years ago, I belonged to two Catholic mom groups on FB and a woman posted a question to both groups:⁣
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“I’ve been talking to my Catholic mom friends about marriage. We don’t know anyone in happy marriages, including our own. Is there any happiness left?”⁣
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In one group, the responses were dismally consistent. Comments echoed the perspective of the woman.⁣ In the second group—smaller and designed to provide a generationally diverse mentoring community—the responses were more varied:⁣
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“Yes. I am happily married. Marriage is harder than I ever imagined, but deeply satisfying and only getting better.”⁣
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I was one of those who answered YES, but I see the reality of the brokenness around me and I feel in my own marriage the onslaught of the world and our own sinfulness.⁣
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Is my marriage happy and healthy? Yes.⁣
Besieged? Yes.⁣
Shaken? Yes.⁣
Exhausted? Yes.⁣
Are we sometimes afraid? Yes.⁣
Grieving? Yes.⁣
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Marriage is our crucible where we are transformed by the heat of holy fire.⁣
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Next month, my husband and I will celebrate 27 years of marriage. The lives of our 8 children stand in testimony to our fidelity and also to our brokenness. They have seen us at our worst and best and we continue to stand in witness as a sign of hope and what is possible by the grace of God.⁣ They know our failures. I pray they also see the continuous effort towards wholeness in Christ.

We are a messy family. Many of you are suffering through the crucible of your own marriages, perhaps divorced like my own parents were or battling all the forces of hell...
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Don't fear the fire. It is there that you will encounter the pressures that you need to become forged for sainthood. Rise and pray. Dare to sing. Dawn is coming. True freedom is near.

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MISCELLANY

• My gratitude to Deacon Charlie Escheverry who replayed an interview with me for his “best of” last week. Truly enjoyed our discussion on what healing truly is.

• For the first time in 25 years of parenting we have a child with braces. The situation is a little complex and will need time, surgery, and a mouth of metal to try to save some teeth. Eating was challenging for a few days because of the multiplication of hardware and pain, so my husband went to the store and picked out a palatable celiac-friendly treat for her. I didn’t know he did this until I saw the box on the table and had to take a photo when I found the classic case of dad love. Thoughtful, labeled, and so sweetly attentive.

  

• Canadian smoke has been drifting into my summer. Northeast Ohio gets about… oh… two weeks of summer sunshine (my rough estimate) so this cloud of doom is just bumming me out. My youngest thinks maybe we should get a big fan and blow it all back up North. In the meantime…

  Since so many people are struggling with irritated lungs and sinuses, I thought I’d share what I use in the diffuser to help calm inflammation and soothe.

  I’m a certified aromatherapist with a medical necessity to avoid pharma solutions (even OTC) as much as possible, so plant-based medicine/resources have been a godsend. Please reach out with any questions. I’ve been with the linked company for many happy years.

  
  Here’s the link:

  (It’s just an I-like-these-things list so delete and add as you please!)
  Easy Breathing Diffuser Favorites
  
  Here’s why I chose what I did:
  

  Lemon, Peppermint, Lavender - The “allergy” trio. Use together or separately to open passages and calm sensitive tissues. I diffuse and also use roller bottle of peppermint when out if needed.

  
  Breathe - For easing airways via diffuser or applying topically with a carrier oil. I like to combine with lemon in the diffuser to brighten
  
  Peppermint beadlets - I use these when out to help open sinuses and plugged ears. Some use as breath fresheners. I pop a beadles in my closed mouth and take deep inhales to move it through respiratory passages
  
  Thyme - I like to add a drop to a nighttime diffuser to help keep bacteria from setting up in my sinuses. It is a gentle anti-fungal/anti-bacterial and works well with peppermint and lemon. Also nice with On Guard which is great for immune support and orange to lighten up the the scent of the heavier oils.
  
  Deep Blue - Stick or Cream. This is my go-to for topical inflammation with joint and muscle soreness but I also use to help with headaches and respiratory inflammation. Small amount around the ears, base of neck/hairline, shoulders does wonders for a bad headache from smoke or tension.

  
  Adaptiv - Lavender based blend that was formulated to calm the cells of the body to combat anxiety. This is not just a “mental” thing but a physiological reality. When there is any external stress that causes inflammatory response, I really like this blend.
  
  Balance - Freshens up the indoors with a calming blend of healing oils). I really like this diffused with lemon in the summer to brighten it up.
  
  Air-X - Currently out of stock but highly recommended for helping to heal damaged respiratory tissue.

  

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• I have to retract a recommendation that I made in my previous substack. I hadn’t yet read the Courtship of the Saints (TAN), but I assumed that it would be something I could recommend. Though there is good in the book, the difficulties prevent me from full enjoyment and endorsement.

  
  The book is not just about the saints but includes an overview of what courtship is and the proper way to proceed. I disagree with some of the author’s opinions on what a healthy and holy courtship is and think the potential consequences of getting it wrong are too great too ignore. For example, the author writes:
  
  “In the courtship stage, the man must look primarily to see if the woman will “submit to his lead…”
  
  Now, I believe in godly headship and the real authority that a man brings to a home, but I object to young men being coached to approach courtship in this way. The author’s wording brings up a lot of questions about the role of obedience in a non-marital relationship. Courtship should be a time of full freedom, and the young woman should feel able to break it off at any time and not be compelled or persuaded to act against common sense or conscience by an erroneous belief in courtship “submission.”
  
  There are a lot of men out there who young women should not marry. Some of them are Catholic. Let’s not make it easier for our daughters to end up in a miserable marriage, eh?
  
  I assume the author agrees with me but the language in the book is not clear and reminds me of the small but trending traditional Catholic focus on “Biblical submission,” which looks more like the Duggar’s theology than what the Church teaches. I have four daughters. I don’t want young men testing them on obedience before marriage. The text either needed more and better context or to be removed. That is one example of several related concerns I had in the opening segment of the book.
  
  I also thought that Courtship of the Saints would be, well… more about the actual courtship of the saints. The problem is that we don’t actually know a lot about the details of saintly courtship and so there is a liberal use of private revelation to fill in the details for some of the couples (Mary and Joseph, for example). That’s just not what I was expecting.
  
  I’d like to do a deeper review later this summer but just needed to correct my previous recommendation since I sent it out to a lot of people. I typically don’t include books I haven’t read and that’s why. Lesson learned. I’ve removed it from my post.

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Finally, thank you to so much to those who have chosen a paid subscription to The Wild Return! All content here is free but those gifts enable me to remove obstacles to writing…

I always thought that life would “slow down” when some kids left the house. What a surprise to find that the opposite is true! Needs expand (and take on a gravity they didn’t have in earlier years) and time becomes precious in a way that I was only able to intellectually acknowledge before. Now I know it deep in the gut and I’m grateful to you for making it possible for me to use this time in this way.

I’m grateful for every person who takes the time to read here, all part of the body which is far more than digital.

God bless you all!

Melody

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